The Art of Pretend

Living with a Narcissist is hard work. Very hard. Although I am relating the high cost of my pretending in regards to staying with a Narcissist for so long, I think there are costs associated with anyone who sits in denial of a serious problem.

I was invited into a world of a kind and caring guy who thought I was absolutely adorable. One month after I moved in with him he changed. I saw his world for what it truly was. My living hell. I never should have married him and I spent 30 years with him. In order to live in his world I had to learn the Art of Pretend.

The cost of learning this art was the loss of myself and reality.

I pretended that my needs, feelings and desires were not important. I pretended I could meet all his expectations and when I failed I pretended that I deserved what I got for the failure.

I anticipated and met all of his needs even though he didn’t meet mine. I pretended that he was interesting, funny and desirable even when he wasn’t. I put on a show for family and friends to cover up the truth.

I believed my interests, passions and hobbies were only secondary. They didn’t matter and if he told me they were stupid I eventually let go of them for fear of continuing ridicule.

I pretended that he loved me even though deep down I knew that he didn’t. A person doesn’t treat one they love in the manner in which I was treated.

I held on to the belief that he would change even though I knew he never would. I pretended that he would one day love me the way he should.

30 Years. Gone. No more pretend. It’s time to live.